Malachi's 3rd Birthday Party

We celebrated Malachi's 3rd Birthday a few weeks ago. Since I was so sick and still recovering from surgery, we had a very simple party with just cake and ice cream and all our family. Thank you so much to all who came and helped make Malachi feel like the coolest kid on the planet. He had been looking forward to his birthday for weeks! Here are a few pictures of his special day!!

Aunt Liz made Malachi's cupcakes and they turned out soooo cute! Much better than I could have done, that's for sure. 

Malachi would have been happy if these balloons were his only present. He is obsessed with balloons right now. 

Liz made Malachi his very own Malachi sized cake. 

Blowing out the candles

Isaac and cousins Ana and Lily enjoying their cake.

There are no words to describe the cuteness!! Love Miss Liller Biller!

Cousins Suzy and Liam.

The Birthday boy enjoying his cake! Just look at that smile!!

Some of our family who came.

More family

Watching him open presents was seriously the cutest thing ever!

Thank you Uncle Mark and Aunt Missy for the Spidey hat!!!

The Blessing of Grief in My Life

On the anniversary of the accident that took my mom's life, I have several thoughts and emotions running through my mind. As the years go on, I am becoming more at peace with the fact that she is not here, but in a much much better place. I can't even imagine the paradise! It is through prayer and faith in a loving Savior that I have been healed from the pain of our tragedy. I still have images in my mind that I wish could be erased. I have painful memories that I can't forget. And I have guilt that just overwhelms me some days. With that being said, grief is grief. I know now that it will never end. There will ALWAYS be days when I miss my mom. At every family gathering, it is a reality to me that she is gone. She should be here, but she isn't. And that is a pain that is indescribable. The more I learn about grief, the more I understand that it is OK to be sad. It is OK to have days when you feel like you're picking your heart up off the floor and forcing it back in your chest, just so you can function for the rest of the day. I am so blessed that these hard days are few and far between. I can look at my life and see how my experiences with grief can become a blessing to me and many others. I truly believe that grief changes the person you are. I have been told by several people that my compassion surpasses that of  the average person. I am not, by any means, claiming to be perfect. But I know that the pain and experiences that have occurred in my life have changed me. I have learned to rely on Heavenly Father. I have handed Him my shattered heart and He has healed it. And that is something that has changed the person I am. I am more sensitive. Some might see this as a flaw. Especially when we live in a world where we are encouraged to be tough. Because I have lost a baby and have experienced that grief, I appreciate my children more and love them more openly and deeply. If you know someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one, I would encourage you to love them through it. If you don't know what to say, don't say anything. Hugs don't require any words. I wish more people would have understood this as I was coping with my losses. 

As I end this post, I would like to express my gratitude for those who have supported me and my family through our trials. I love you and appreciate you more than you know. There are too many people to name, but please just know that I thank Heavenly Father for you daily. 

Update on surgery

    First, I would like to thank all those who have been praying for me. Physically, I am feeling better every single day. I can officially say now from having several horrible surgical experiences, that if something can go wrong, IT WILL HAPPEN to me. This is not pessimistic thinking, this is planning and preparing. It's the luck of the draw. On day #8 of my recovery from the first surgery, I had bleeding that the doctors were unable to control. So back into surgery I went.  I would say that I am about 95% recovered now. I'm completely off of all pain killers, including Tylenol. My blood sugars have normalized and i am gaining more and more energy. I am amazed at the strength our bodies have. There is no doubt in my mind that we have a Divine Creator, who provides what we need to be healed. I think I knew in the back of my mind that this would be a difficult surgery for me. The abscesses were so large and there was more than 1. I was not strong or healthy going into the surgery like I would have liked to have been. Here is what I did not know and did not expect...
    It amazes me how Satan works. He knows when we are the most vulnerable. And for me it just so happens to be when I am in severe pain and weak physically. He is cruel, he is the Father of Lies. I had several days where I just cried all day. Thoughts came in my mind that not a single person has checked on me today, I must not be important enough. I am a burden to my family. I am a bad mother and wife. I have been sick for months and no one notices and if they do notice then they just don't care. God could heal me if he wanted to. Those thoughts quickly turned to resentment towards the one who has promised to always be with me and never forsake me. In the midst of that resentment and misery, I felt His arms rock me to sleep. He softened my heart, and I pleaded for the attacks to stop. It's the first time I can remember ever putting complete and total faith in God. Literally handing Him my burdens and letting Him take them for me. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for that gift that was given to me. It is something I can never repay. Life is hard, there is no way around it. But the peace that comes from having a personal relationship with my Savior makes things so much easier. So here I am, healed physically, strengthened spiritually, and ready to tackle the next hurdle that comes my way. 

My Bitter Cup

I'm wide awake at 4am and can't seem to clear my mind. So what better thing is there to put you to sleep than to get on the blog, jk. People give me grief for not updating enough, but life is crazy and the very last thing on my priority list is the blog, so sorry. As I'm lying here with Malachi's foot in my back, I have this overwhelming sense of love for him and my other boys. As everybody knows, I've been very sick this year. THE ENTIRE YEAR. It wears on me, I'm not going to lie. I have so many people depending on me and I feel as if I'm a constant disappointment to Tom and the boys lately. I try and stay positive, but it's tough. I need my mom. Even if I could borrow her back for just 10 minutes to read Malachi a story while I jump in the shower, or unload the dishwasher for me while I take a tiny cat nap. But mostly, just 10 minutes to hold me on her lap and just let me cry. I am often asking Heavenly Father what His purpose is in all of this. WHY?! I at least deserve an explanation, don't I? But really, I don't. It doesn't  matter why. HE knows why. And I have a peace in knowing that there is a reason for it. I don't know where I'd be if I didn't have the knowledge that Heavenly Father loves me. He hurts when I hurt, He cries when I cry, He smiles when I smile. I am blessed!

Loop of Lights

I have been a serious slacker this year when it comes to the blog. But as my dad is now serving another mission and we still enjoy keeping in contact with all our family, I am making a resolution to be a little better in the year 2015. I am so far behind, I don't even know where to begin. But I figured the loop of Lights was super fun for the boys and I wanted to share some pictures. We went on Christmas day!! It was freezing cold, but we still had an amazing time. My older brother, Mark, family went with us. That one thing I love about Christmas... all the family time. 

I know it's difficult to believe that I have other children, but they all hare having their pictures taken except for Malachi. 

All bundled up!!! Cutest 2 year old in the world!!