My thoughts on Mom

This post is only for me to clear my thoughts. If you want to read, you are more than welcome. If you don't want to be bored by my rambling, go visit someone else's blog. My family are pretty much the only people who read my blog anyways. So i have been thinking a lot about the accident lately. I don't know why. I don't understand why I can't get past it. Why do I have to remember all the depressing horrible details of that devastating day? Why do I have to know what each and every one of you were doing when you got the news that mom was gone? I wonder why things had to happen the way they did. I know that God has a purpose and needed mom elsewhere. I just can't understand why it had to be right then at that very moment. Doesn't he have enough spirits in heaven right now? I struggle sometimes with just accepting things for the way they are. One day I'm fine with everything and continue to work on my faith. Then the very next day I almost feel as if I'm angry at Heavenly Father for allowing this to happen to our family. I pray everyday for strength and sometimes I feel as if that isn't what God wants for me. If he wanted me to be happy and strong, then he would allow that to be. He would allow my mind to forget those horrible memories I have of her dead body laying there. He would allow me to forgive myself of all the regrets I have about mom and me. I am thankful that more people weren't harmed in the accident. I just can't get over it. I never talk about it, mostly because I feel like I have no one to talk to. I feel like all of you are healed and back to normal. Don't get me wrong...I'm happy for you. I hate seeing all of you hurting and grieving. It breaks my heart and I'm glad you are all over that stage. I just feel as if I'm the only one hanging on to the heartache. Why are all of you doing so great and not me? Am I doing something wrong? I have called a couple of you in the last couple days, just to see what you are feeling and thinking about the whole accident and mom's death. Everyone seems to be doing wonderful. I am thankful that Heavenly Father has allowed the Holy Spirit to heal you. I am sorry if I am being a downer. I never talk to you guys about it and I'm sure you probably had no idea that I was even struggling with it. I don't want you to worry about me and I definitely don't want to cause you anymore pain. I just want to understand WHY? I need to know why this had to happen and I realize I will never have that answer. Why mom, why our family, why now? I love you all and I hope you understand that posting this is just a way for me to clear my thoughts, it is not to make you worry or hurt. I will be OK. I guess I just need more time. I love my family, every one of you. I am sorry for the heartache I have caused.