Thinking

   I have a friend that used to be in my old ward that I have stayed in touch with through facebook. Super sad story, but she delivered her baby (full term) and found at birth that there were complications and her baby might not survive. She is on FULL life support right now (ECMO for both heart and lungs) and is literally fighting everyday for her life. Today this lady was told that there really wasn't much more they could do for their little girl, but they will have to see how tomorrow goes. My heart is breaking. It is breaking and I don't know why. This friend is so sweet, she is not someone I talk to on a regular basis. We aren't super close.
     I keep thinking about blessed I am. Everyone who knows me, knows that I have experienced loss. I feel blessed to have had Malachi be born so strong and healthy. Especially with all of the complications that I had during the pregnancy. I try so hard to understand why these things happen. I honestly wonder how Heavenly Father decides which babies are born healthy and which babies die. Or which children will leave this earth early, and which ones will live to be 100. I am not doubting my testimony of my Savior and I definitely know that he has a plan for all of us. I don't know why I try to make sense of it all. I just feel so sad for my friend. I almost feel guilty for having such a healthy baby while others watch their baby struggle and suffer through every breath. I just held my sweet little baby today. I couldn't bring myself to put him down. I just kept thinking about how fortunate I am to have him alive and healthy and snuggling me. Every second that I have with my boys is such a gift. I need to keep this in mind when they're driving me crazy :-) I am looking forward to the day when I can hold my babies who are waiting for me in heaven. I long to be with them. My family just doesn't feel complete. I am thankful for the knowledge I have that I will see my mom and my babies again.