Tuesday, July 7, 2015

My Bitter Cup

I'm wide awake at 4am and can't seem to clear my mind. So what better thing is there to put you to sleep than to get on the blog, jk. People give me grief for not updating enough, but life is crazy and the very last thing on my priority list is the blog, so sorry. As I'm lying here with Malachi's foot in my back, I have this overwhelming sense of love for him and my other boys. As everybody knows, I've been very sick this year. THE ENTIRE YEAR. It wears on me, I'm not going to lie. I have so many people depending on me and I feel as if I'm a constant disappointment to Tom and the boys lately. I try and stay positive, but it's tough. I need my mom. Even if I could borrow her back for just 10 minutes to read Malachi a story while I jump in the shower, or unload the dishwasher for me while I take a tiny cat nap. But mostly, just 10 minutes to hold me on her lap and just let me cry. I am often asking Heavenly Father what His purpose is in all of this. WHY?! I at least deserve an explanation, don't I? But really, I don't. It doesn't  matter why. HE knows why. And I have a peace in knowing that there is a reason for it. I don't know where I'd be if I didn't have the knowledge that Heavenly Father loves me. He hurts when I hurt, He cries when I cry, He smiles when I smile. I am blessed!

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