It's hard to believe that another year has gone by with my mom here. In some ways, things are getting better. I have been told over and over again that "it will get better with time". While this seemed like a completely heartless thing to say right after the accident, I can see now that there are some things that are slowly getting better. I can think about her on a daily basis and not cry. Happy and silly memories come to my mind throughout my day, and I am able to laugh. These random thoughts or memories make me feel happy. I can even talk out loud to her now when I need her to know something, and crack jokes with her. I can talk to my boys about their Grandma and even about the accident and not freak out on them. They are curious little suckers and they have lots of questions. All of these baby steps are a huge blessing to me and they really do affect my everyday attitude. I can definitely see improvement.
For those who don't remember, my mom was killed in an accident. A horrible accident. And the remains were not very pleasant. I have shared my mental struggles with very few, as people are judge mental and cruel. And let's be honest, admitting you're a crazy lady is not the easiest thing to do. From handling her physical body, while I realize this was the last act of service that could be done for her, and I am thankful in some ways for it, it left me crazy. This, in combination with some other previous conditions (anxiety, etc) lead me to a whole slew of conditions that I am now working on overcoming. I was diagnosed by two different doctors with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder), just to name a couple. I do not share this wanting pity or sympathy. I realize that although it is embarrassing, I am not the only one who suffers from these disorders. I have gone to numerous counselors and been on a whole list of medications, and the combination of the two have helped me survive. I have learned how to deal with the very graphic thoughts that pop in my head and I am able to sleep better. There is still a lot of work to be done, but I have a feeling that this will always be the case. I realize that the majority of you reading this will just roll your eyes and think I'm a drama queen. Especially my siblings, if some of them even care to read this. But even if there is just one person who is dealing with these disorders happens to read this, I would like them to find comfort in the fact that they're not alone. And that the atonement of Christ can heal any heart and any mind. Living each day without my mom sucks. Having a baby without my mom sucks. LOSING a baby without my mom sucks even more. But she has a mission to fulfill. She is up there rocking my sweet little one in her arms. And honestly, who better to care for her while I can't, than my sweet beautiful, perfect mother. So I ask myself, am I ready? Am I ready to face yet another year without her here? The answer is NO! But I have no other choice. So I will take it one day at a time. I love her and having her for a mother is one of the greatest blessings I've been given in this life.
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